Moms as Feminists

It's Mother's Day. Today seems like an apt time to examine motherhood and feminism. Becoming a mother has been much maligned by feminists past and present, but today, perhaps we can look at the reasons that becoming a mother is a feminist thing to do.

Motherhood wasn't really thought of as optional when the earliest feminists were doing their work. The thought of birth control was abhorrent to many folks, and most women had no viable option outside of home and family. So it is easy to see why, when birth control arrived and allowed women to delay or opt-out of having children, many women embraced the opportunity. As women gained more equality and were able to work outside the home, many found this new freedom more important than anything else. Some even dismissed motherhood altogether. The rationale behind it makes sense on the surface- having children makes having a career more difficult, and it had been difficult for long enough. The need to expand the ideas of what a woman could do with her life was also strong. Choosing career over children sent the message that women didn't have to have a family to be legitimate. This is a very important message, and I for one am glad it was sent.

Women have gotten past the misperception that they must stay home and not have careers. Today's fights are for more subtle things like equal opportunities, equal pay and more family leave. It seems as though women can safely have children without precluding them from a fulfilling career, or from any other pursuits outside the home. I am thankful that many women sacrificed so that we can have choices. Choices are one of the best things to have come from the feminist movement. The fact that most women in many countries now get to decide whether to have children is amazing and wonderful. We should take advantage of our capacity for choice! Deciding to have a child (or not) is exercising your options- and either one is a feminist thing to do.

Some folks say that focusing on a family puts women in a stereotypical role, trapping them, continuing to view them as nurturers above all else. I suppose that could be true for many people. I definitely understand the fears of loss of self or loss of aspirations. This is a tricky issue for which there is no easy answer. Being a mom is hard enough; staying true to yourself through it all is a feat that many cannot pull off. But telling a woman who loves to cook not to do so because it reinforces stereotypes is limiting her options in a different way. Yes, it is good to examine our motivations and actions, but we should also accept that motherhood is desirable to many people, societal norm or not.

I would hope that all moms have enough support to have children and identity, but that just isn't the case for everyone. Perhaps the next issues we should tackle will be ones surrounding support of mothers and families: adequate family leave, affordable childcare, more flexible workplaces, and so on. We don't have to tell women not to be mothers, but we should support them more. In the meantime it falls more to mothers to nurture their kids and still retain their sense of identity. Fighting against an unspoken societal norm is no small task. Have you told your mother how awesome she is?

While we're at it, let's make it normal for men to be nurturers, too. Why should women be the ones who are pigeonholed into that role? More and more, men want to be seen in that light- there are more stay-at-home dads and partners taking equal responsibility for childcare. Every gender has the capacity to be loving and caring. Let's not say that nurturing is only a feminine quality, but make nurturing the norm for all genders. Men also deserve to connect with their children without being seen as weird.

Many folks would disagree with this, but I believe that giving birth- one of the earliest events for a mother- is something to be celebrated. In my mind, birth is often dismissed as a problem, strictly medical, which is just a big inconvenience for everyone involved. It doesn't have to be that way. We should be in awe of those who make it happen. We should realize that birth can be a celebration of the strength of women. Let's stop seeing it as a drag and reclaim it for the amazing feminist event it can be. (Disclaimer: it doesn't make you any less of an awesome mom if you adopted. I'm just presenting all the reasons why being a mother can be a feminist thing to do.)

So a woman has exercised her choice and decided to become a mom. She has a child and has incorporated motherhood into her intact identity. The next step? Raising feminist children. I don't mean that parents have to drill feminism into their children from a very young age. Honestly, that sounds a little creepy and possibly damaging. But showing children what a feminist looks like can be a bold and effective feminist statement. Kids are smart, and they definitely learn by example. This is why I love when feminists have children; those children are likely to grow into feminist adults.

So thanks, moms, for raising all of us feminists. A big shout out to you for doing it all, even when that was really difficult. Raising kids will never be easy, but thanks to women like you, we see that we can have our cake and eat it, too. Happy mother's day to all you moms out there (but especially mine)!