Sticks and Stones

That's so hetero.

That's often what I say after someone uses the phrase “that's so gay” to mean “that's so stupid.” A lot of really awesome folks do it, so I don't mean it as an insult, but rather as an attempt to illuminate how discriminatory language can be. We all get trapped in it. I remember discovering, at age 22 (!), that the word I previously thought to be “jip” was actually spelled “gyp”- derogatory slang for gypsy. I felt so terrible. How had I been using this word?

Language has power. It worms its way into our brains and stays there. We all say things that we probably shouldn't at some points in our lives, and that certainly doesn't make us bad people. But perhaps we should be more aware of the language we're subconsciously choosing and what the ramifications are.

Take language and gender. Some languages are obvious about gender divisions, making every noun either masculine or feminine. English doesn't go quite that far, but there are definitely gendered words. And sometimes, I'm not such a fan. For example, a man who has lots of sex is a “stud” or a “don Juan”; a woman who does the same thing gets called “slut” or “whore”. OK, sometimes men are called “man sluts”, but to my way of thinking, that's no improvement. Or consider a man who is showing weakness getting called a “pussy”. And speaking of pussy, did you know that the word “vagina” actually means “sheath”, as in a sheath for a sword? There has to be a better word, people.

We usually don't notice when this sort of language pops up in conversation. But after hearing such insults for years, women start to internalize them, just as we internalize the barrage of ads featuring impossibly perfect models. Fortunately, many feminists and sociologists have called out these visuals for how they affect a woman's psyche. Unfortunately, language is rarely thought of as a problem of the same magnitude, and in fact, those who remind us about language are thought of as overly PC or nit picky. It is pretty difficult to call out the word without sounding as though you are criticizing the speaker or their ideals. A friend of mine did this effectively by saying “I agree with the sentiment, if not the word choice.” That tended to start a conversation rather than alienating the speaker or getting herself branded a “humorless feminist.”

But why even bother bringing attention to it? Language can be indicative of a larger societal problem, so even though we don't usually process the intention behind words, they still reinforce the narrow mindedness they were born from. People can call women (and other marginalized folks) all sorts of subtle insults that masquerade as common parlance, meaning that no matter how much negativity is put behind those words, it is still socially acceptable to use them. I'm not just talking about men unintentionally disrespecting women. I'm always surprised to hear a woman calling another a “whore” because she is wearing a low-cut shirt or otherwise displaying that she may occasionally be in touch with her sexuality. I suppose that for some, “good” girls don't do things like that. But where's the in between?

Discriminatory language only serves to pit stereotype against stereotype. Rather than innocently use words that have an underlying divisiveness, we could consciously choose words that foster understanding and promote individuality and equality. It may be a small step, but it is a step nonetheless. And hopefully, when we change our language, our perceptions of what we're describing will subtly shift.

I'll leave you with a quote from a recent Savage Love. Thank you, Dan, for this perspective:

“You are a huge pussy, CTOAC- excuse me, sorry. Pussies are powerful; they can take a pummeling and spit out a brand new human being. What you are, CTOAC, is weak, vulnerable, easily manipulated, and far too sensitive for your own good.

What you are is a ball-sack.”