It's Mother's Day. Today seems like an apt time to examine motherhood and feminism. Becoming a mother has been much maligned by feminists past and present, but today, perhaps we can look at the reasons that becoming a mother is a feminist thing to do.
Motherhood wasn't really thought of as optional when the earliest feminists were doing their work. The thought of birth control was abhorrent to many folks, and most women had no viable option outside of home and family. So it is easy to see why, when birth control arrived and allowed women to delay or opt-out of having children, many women embraced the opportunity. As women gained more equality and were able to work outside the home, many found this new freedom more important than anything else. Some even dismissed motherhood altogether. The rationale behind it makes sense on the surface- having children makes having a career more difficult, and it had been difficult for long enough. The need to expand the ideas of what a woman could do with her life was also strong. Choosing career over children sent the message that women didn't have to have a family to be legitimate. This is a very important message, and I for one am glad it was sent.
Women have gotten past the misperception that they must stay home and not have careers. Today's fights are for more subtle things like equal opportunities, equal pay and more family leave. It seems as though women can safely have children without precluding them from a fulfilling career, or from any other pursuits outside the home. I am thankful that many women sacrificed so that we can have choices. Choices are one of the best things to have come from the feminist movement. The fact that most women in many countries now get to decide whether to have children is amazing and wonderful. We should take advantage of our capacity for choice! Deciding to have a child (or not) is exercising your options- and either one is a feminist thing to do.
Some folks say that focusing on a family puts women in a stereotypical role, trapping them, continuing to view them as nurturers above all else. I suppose that could be true for many people. I definitely understand the fears of loss of self or loss of aspirations. This is a tricky issue for which there is no easy answer. Being a mom is hard enough; staying true to yourself through it all is a feat that many cannot pull off. But telling a woman who loves to cook not to do so because it reinforces stereotypes is limiting her options in a different way. Yes, it is good to examine our motivations and actions, but we should also accept that motherhood is desirable to many people, societal norm or not.
I would hope that all moms have enough support to have children and identity, but that just isn't the case for everyone. Perhaps the next issues we should tackle will be ones surrounding support of mothers and families: adequate family leave, affordable childcare, more flexible workplaces, and so on. We don't have to tell women not to be mothers, but we should support them more. In the meantime it falls more to mothers to nurture their kids and still retain their sense of identity. Fighting against an unspoken societal norm is no small task. Have you told your mother how awesome she is?
While we're at it, let's make it normal for men to be nurturers, too. Why should women be the ones who are pigeonholed into that role? More and more, men want to be seen in that light- there are more stay-at-home dads and partners taking equal responsibility for childcare. Every gender has the capacity to be loving and caring. Let's not say that nurturing is only a feminine quality, but make nurturing the norm for all genders. Men also deserve to connect with their children without being seen as weird.
Many folks would disagree with this, but I believe that giving birth- one of the earliest events for a mother- is something to be celebrated. In my mind, birth is often dismissed as a problem, strictly medical, which is just a big inconvenience for everyone involved. It doesn't have to be that way. We should be in awe of those who make it happen. We should realize that birth can be a celebration of the strength of women. Let's stop seeing it as a drag and reclaim it for the amazing feminist event it can be. (Disclaimer: it doesn't make you any less of an awesome mom if you adopted. I'm just presenting all the reasons why being a mother can be a feminist thing to do.)
So a woman has exercised her choice and decided to become a mom. She has a child and has incorporated motherhood into her intact identity. The next step? Raising feminist children. I don't mean that parents have to drill feminism into their children from a very young age. Honestly, that sounds a little creepy and possibly damaging. But showing children what a feminist looks like can be a bold and effective feminist statement. Kids are smart, and they definitely learn by example. This is why I love when feminists have children; those children are likely to grow into feminist adults.
So thanks, moms, for raising all of us feminists. A big shout out to you for doing it all, even when that was really difficult. Raising kids will never be easy, but thanks to women like you, we see that we can have our cake and eat it, too. Happy mother's day to all you moms out there (but especially mine)!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Sticks and Stones
That's so hetero.
That's often what I say after someone uses the phrase “that's so gay” to mean “that's so stupid.” A lot of really awesome folks do it, so I don't mean it as an insult, but rather as an attempt to illuminate how discriminatory language can be. We all get trapped in it. I remember discovering, at age 22 (!), that the word I previously thought to be “jip” was actually spelled “gyp”- derogatory slang for gypsy. I felt so terrible. How had I been using this word?
Language has power. It worms its way into our brains and stays there. We all say things that we probably shouldn't at some points in our lives, and that certainly doesn't make us bad people. But perhaps we should be more aware of the language we're subconsciously choosing and what the ramifications are.
Take language and gender. Some languages are obvious about gender divisions, making every noun either masculine or feminine. English doesn't go quite that far, but there are definitely gendered words. And sometimes, I'm not such a fan. For example, a man who has lots of sex is a “stud” or a “don Juan”; a woman who does the same thing gets called “slut” or “whore”. OK, sometimes men are called “man sluts”, but to my way of thinking, that's no improvement. Or consider a man who is showing weakness getting called a “pussy”. And speaking of pussy, did you know that the word “vagina” actually means “sheath”, as in a sheath for a sword? There has to be a better word, people.
We usually don't notice when this sort of language pops up in conversation. But after hearing such insults for years, women start to internalize them, just as we internalize the barrage of ads featuring impossibly perfect models. Fortunately, many feminists and sociologists have called out these visuals for how they affect a woman's psyche. Unfortunately, language is rarely thought of as a problem of the same magnitude, and in fact, those who remind us about language are thought of as overly PC or nit picky. It is pretty difficult to call out the word without sounding as though you are criticizing the speaker or their ideals. A friend of mine did this effectively by saying “I agree with the sentiment, if not the word choice.” That tended to start a conversation rather than alienating the speaker or getting herself branded a “humorless feminist.”
But why even bother bringing attention to it? Language can be indicative of a larger societal problem, so even though we don't usually process the intention behind words, they still reinforce the narrow mindedness they were born from. People can call women (and other marginalized folks) all sorts of subtle insults that masquerade as common parlance, meaning that no matter how much negativity is put behind those words, it is still socially acceptable to use them. I'm not just talking about men unintentionally disrespecting women. I'm always surprised to hear a woman calling another a “whore” because she is wearing a low-cut shirt or otherwise displaying that she may occasionally be in touch with her sexuality. I suppose that for some, “good” girls don't do things like that. But where's the in between?
Discriminatory language only serves to pit stereotype against stereotype. Rather than innocently use words that have an underlying divisiveness, we could consciously choose words that foster understanding and promote individuality and equality. It may be a small step, but it is a step nonetheless. And hopefully, when we change our language, our perceptions of what we're describing will subtly shift.
I'll leave you with a quote from a recent Savage Love. Thank you, Dan, for this perspective:
“You are a huge pussy, CTOAC- excuse me, sorry. Pussies are powerful; they can take a pummeling and spit out a brand new human being. What you are, CTOAC, is weak, vulnerable, easily manipulated, and far too sensitive for your own good.
What you are is a ball-sack.”
That's often what I say after someone uses the phrase “that's so gay” to mean “that's so stupid.” A lot of really awesome folks do it, so I don't mean it as an insult, but rather as an attempt to illuminate how discriminatory language can be. We all get trapped in it. I remember discovering, at age 22 (!), that the word I previously thought to be “jip” was actually spelled “gyp”- derogatory slang for gypsy. I felt so terrible. How had I been using this word?
Language has power. It worms its way into our brains and stays there. We all say things that we probably shouldn't at some points in our lives, and that certainly doesn't make us bad people. But perhaps we should be more aware of the language we're subconsciously choosing and what the ramifications are.
Take language and gender. Some languages are obvious about gender divisions, making every noun either masculine or feminine. English doesn't go quite that far, but there are definitely gendered words. And sometimes, I'm not such a fan. For example, a man who has lots of sex is a “stud” or a “don Juan”; a woman who does the same thing gets called “slut” or “whore”. OK, sometimes men are called “man sluts”, but to my way of thinking, that's no improvement. Or consider a man who is showing weakness getting called a “pussy”. And speaking of pussy, did you know that the word “vagina” actually means “sheath”, as in a sheath for a sword? There has to be a better word, people.
We usually don't notice when this sort of language pops up in conversation. But after hearing such insults for years, women start to internalize them, just as we internalize the barrage of ads featuring impossibly perfect models. Fortunately, many feminists and sociologists have called out these visuals for how they affect a woman's psyche. Unfortunately, language is rarely thought of as a problem of the same magnitude, and in fact, those who remind us about language are thought of as overly PC or nit picky. It is pretty difficult to call out the word without sounding as though you are criticizing the speaker or their ideals. A friend of mine did this effectively by saying “I agree with the sentiment, if not the word choice.” That tended to start a conversation rather than alienating the speaker or getting herself branded a “humorless feminist.”
But why even bother bringing attention to it? Language can be indicative of a larger societal problem, so even though we don't usually process the intention behind words, they still reinforce the narrow mindedness they were born from. People can call women (and other marginalized folks) all sorts of subtle insults that masquerade as common parlance, meaning that no matter how much negativity is put behind those words, it is still socially acceptable to use them. I'm not just talking about men unintentionally disrespecting women. I'm always surprised to hear a woman calling another a “whore” because she is wearing a low-cut shirt or otherwise displaying that she may occasionally be in touch with her sexuality. I suppose that for some, “good” girls don't do things like that. But where's the in between?
Discriminatory language only serves to pit stereotype against stereotype. Rather than innocently use words that have an underlying divisiveness, we could consciously choose words that foster understanding and promote individuality and equality. It may be a small step, but it is a step nonetheless. And hopefully, when we change our language, our perceptions of what we're describing will subtly shift.
I'll leave you with a quote from a recent Savage Love. Thank you, Dan, for this perspective:
“You are a huge pussy, CTOAC- excuse me, sorry. Pussies are powerful; they can take a pummeling and spit out a brand new human being. What you are, CTOAC, is weak, vulnerable, easily manipulated, and far too sensitive for your own good.
What you are is a ball-sack.”
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